People should probably think before they bring a new life into the world. That’s sort of a big responsibility.
Sadly, however, there are a lot of people who don’t really give it a bunch of thought. They put as much thought into making a baby as I do into buying a new pair of sneakers, and sneakers are a lot less expensive. In the United States, the cost of raising a baby is over $200,000. You can get a lot of sneakers for $200,000.
Babies can be unintentional, of course, but I know irresponsible people who made babies because they “thought it would be fun”. I also know people who made babies because they were dealing with the loss of a loved one. People intentionally make babies for a lot of stupid reasons, frankly. I have met people who made babies because their friends made babies. It can get sort of silly at times.
If you are considering making a baby, you should really think about it, and here are thirty-five pictures that you might want to see before you decide to do so.
1. The Kid and the Vomit
I don’t want to have children, and this one of the three reasons why I do not want to do so. This is one of the more disgusting things I have ever seen.
Maybe it is because I am single and childless, but I find babies sort of gross. I have had to change a diaper, and I did not enjoy it at all. They also have no consideration whatsoever for what you are wearing when you pick them up. You could be wearing a $200 sweater and the kid would still puke on your shoulder. Get it together babies and small children!
I feel really bad for this mother. I imagine this wasn’t what she expected when she learned she was pregnant.
I also feel sort of bad for the kid. That must be one heck of a stomach bug. What was he eating? I literally almost got sick myself after looking at this picture.
2. The Kid in the Lowe’s
Children just have no concept of safety, clearly, which is why this picture is a thing. How the heck did that kid get up there? I wonder how they got him down. I hope they did! It would be weird to think that he is still living there.
If you’re not familiar with the business, Lowe’s is a retail store that specializes in tools and hardware and such. The company employs over 300,000 people and was founded in 1921. There are over 2,000 stores.
3. The Kid and the Laptop
I haven’t spent a lot of time with children, but I do know you shouldn’t let them anywhere near any electronic device you actually value. You might want to get them a cheap laptop when they turn four or five so they learn to type and use a mouse, but small children and expensive electronics do not mix.
Honestly, the kid who did this made the laptop look kind of cool. It is definitely a unique device thanks to the child’s artwork. I wouldn’t be surprised if the child grew up to be a proper artist.
Seriously, though, you should probably expect to have at least one electronic device destroyed if you make the choice to have a child.
4. The Playpen
Sometimes you want the kid to have the ability to roam about the house, which has hopefully been childproofed, while keeping him or her away from you. This playpen does just that.
The playpen also keeps the kid away from expensive electronics. That looks like a pretty nice computer, and small children are notorious for being very destructive.
In addition to computers, you should use playpens to keep children away from your XBOX or PS4. You should also keep them away from your more expensive televisions.
When my dog was a true puppy, he was obsessed with chewing things. To an extent, he still is; he ruined more than one XBOX controller. I am still ticked about that.
5. The Question Known As “Why?”
Someone apparently kept track of how many times a three-year-old kid asked “why?” in one day; apparently, the kid asked that ‘question’ 115 times, which I definitely believe. That would have driven me nuts, but I definitely believe it. Children are inquisitive little things, and they are trying to learn about the world into which they were born.
You never really stop asking “why?”, though, do you? I ask “why?” all of the time—I just ask the question to myself instead of to others.
6. The Fruit and the Three-Year-Old Children
Look at what the three-year-old kids did to these poor strawberries! Some adult wanted a healthy snack, but a bunch of children got to them first.
I guess we should be grateful that the kids were eating fruit, not potato chips. We should also be grateful that the adult wanted to eat fruit; sadly, he or she could not, so that adult probably ripped into a bag of Doritos and didn’t stop eating until the bag was empty. I don’t actually know for sure if that was the case, but that is how I see it all playing out in my head.
7. The Toddler and the Trendy, Fancy Bathroom Doors
This might be the most disturbing thing I have ever seen. That kid does not look normal. It looks scary.
If you have small children, you might as well not even bother having anything nice. They’ll just destroy it. In this case, they will use it to creep you out a little.
My mom likes to tell stories about how, when I was just a few years old, I would literally use my tiny little fingers to force her eyelids open when she was sleeping. I wanted attention and was not willing to wait for it! I like to think I was being proactive; she probably thought I was being obnoxious.
8. The Mother, the Daughter, the Skirt, and the Scooter
The short version of this story is that the mother had to cut her daughter free from the kid’s scooter. The skirt got caught.
The lesson is that one should not wear a skirt while riding a scooter. That seems sort of obvious to me. Then again, I have never raised a child, and I don’t own a scooter. I also don’t own a skirt. I would not look good in a skirt. I have meaty thighs.
9. The Kid and the “Star Wars” Character
This kid, upon finding permanent markers, decided he wanted to be Darth Maul. I am not sure why.
Frankly, Darth Maul was one of the lamest “Star Wars” villains. He first appeared in what was arguably the lamest “Star Wars” movie. I saw that movie once, and I never watched it again.
It wasn’t that I hated it, per se; I just found it so dreadfully boring that I’d rather watch a sitcom from 40 years ago or listen to classical music performed by an “orchestra” comprised of small children who have no idea how to read music.
10. The Kid and the Cart
Young Andrew here apparently wanted to lick this shopping cart, which is gross. Then again, shopping carts are gross and covered with germs because people handle their small children and then touch the carts. People also sneeze on them without covering their mouths.
When I go to stores, I try to avoid touching shopping carts. That is like asking to get a horrible cold. I just buy a few items at a time and carry them in my arms. If I do have to touch a cart, I make sure to immediately use hand sanitizer after leaving the store, which is a wise idea no matter where you are shopping.
There is one grocery store I frequent where I am not freaked out when I have to touch the cart. They literally have employees that wipe down the cart every time it is used. That’s a level of customer service that is very much appreciated by people like me—people who are afraid of germs.
The employees, though, don’t appear to be the most hygienic people in the world.
Have you ever been waited on at a restaurant by a server with an enormous cold sore? I have, and it freaked me out a little bit. I still ate the food, of course, but I was a touch spooked. I didn’t stop going to that restaurant, though, as it is close to my house.
11. The Egg
The story here is that some kid decided to boil an egg for toast; naturally, it did not go very well. The mother had to clean up quite a mess, and the kid probably did not have the best of days once the mother saw it.
She had every right to be sort of upset. That must have taken ages to clean up. Personally, because I am lazy, I would have just thrown away the microwave.
12. The Kid That Found the Diaper Cream
What the heck did this kid do to herself? Why did she do it? She doesn’t look particularly happy.
The problem with small children is that they’ll just fiddle with anything and everything they can find, which this young lady clearly did.
I can’t imagine the amount of effort required to properly clean her. I would not want to be her parent.
13. The Kid Who Ordered the Pizza
According to one father, who must be terribly frustrated with his young one, a child managed to use an app on his phone to accidentally order almost $100 worth of pizza. For reasons that aren’t particularly clear, one does not need to verify payment information before placing the order via the app. I would not recommend downloading that app.
At the very least, the guy got pizza, which is almost always good.
When did young children learn to use smartphones? That’s the scary part of this story. People under the age of ten will soon control the Earth!
I now want to eat pizza.
14. The Sippy Cup
The little kid in this image is the nephew of the person who snapped the picture. He found a sippy cup that had been missing for several weeks. I can’t even imagine what was in that cup or why it was missing for three weeks. I have lost things for three weeks, true, so I can’t really judge; still, the contents of the cup sort of scare me.
15. The Foot and the Father
The story here is that the father got one kid to sleep, but the other was too stubborn to do so.
Therefore, the father wound up with a foot in the face. That sounds about right. I was going for a walk not too long ago, and my little neighbor approached me. She wanted to show me a plant; I politely declined, insisting that I was busy. She told me: “you have to see this plant right now!” Her father was there, and he was amused at how she insisted in such a forceful way.
I really had no choice but to look at the plant. It wasn’t the coolest-looking plant I had ever seen, but it wasn’t the lamest plant I had ever seen.
16. The Kid and the Shredding
If my kid shredded over $1,000, I am not sure what I would do. It is possible that I might stop loving him or her. I am not the nicest person in the world, and $1,000 can buy one many, many video games.
I guess you can’t stay too mad at a kid that is only two, though.
The bigger question here is why a kid has access to a shredder.
17. The Banana
I think this is a banana. To be honest, I’m not sure what I am looking at in this image.
All I know is that it is gross and I don’t want to eat it. I don’t want to touch it. Everything about it looks positively awful.
I wouldn’t let my kid eat it, either, even if that kid had just shredded over $1,000. That banana looks like it could lead to a very expensive trip to the pediatrician.
18. How the Kids View the Car
This probably isn’t an exaggeration. Kids view vehicles as a place where they can just drop whatever crap they have on their person. They don’t ask permission—they just do whatever they want.
I have a friend who does that with my car, and he is closer to sixty than five. He once tossed a burger wrapper in the back of my car. He said he would clean it up later. Guess what he didn’t do!
19. The Kid and the Toys
How are these children learning to order stuff without their parents and/or guardians knowing?
Are children these days being born with some sort of ability to just order whatever they want off of Amazon? I wish I had been born with that ability. I also wish Amazon existed when I was born. I would have had so many cool Nintendo games!
20. The Kid and the Dishwasher Duty
This is, apparently, what happens when you have a seven-year-old child in charge of loading the dishwasher.
On the one hand, I applaud the parents for having their kid contribute to the household. On the other hand, what did the parents actually expect? Kids under the age of ten don’t do many household tasks well.
21. The Kid and the Bathroom
When you have a kid, you might as well just give up the idea of having privacy—until that child is about eight or so.
The picture is cute, and I am sure that many parents can relate. The kid certainly looks happy, which is nice.
Being childless, I can’t totally relate, but I do have a dog who loves to visit me while I am doing my business. He likes to eat toilet paper. I find it all very irritating.
22. The Toddler at the Wedding
This is, allegedly, a little kid underneath the dress of its mother; they are at a wedding.
I’m not sure I buy this one, though; the face looks more like an evil ghost than it does a small child. I don’t know for sure what is going on here, but I do know that I don’t want to go anywhere near that woman or that face.
23. The Remotes
Someone got tired of the kids losing the remotes, so this was the solution.
I think it is brilliant. I am constantly losing my remotes, and I only have the one. I am a grown man. Remotes are very easy to lose, and you can’t watch television these days without them. There are no buttons on the things. When I was a little kid, the television actually had buttons. Those days, apparently, have passed.
24. The Daughter and the Camping Trip
This adorable little scene apparently happened at 6:15 in the morning. The kid is cute, and I find it funny that she is eating junk food so early in the morning. I can relate. I don’t really care for breakfast food myself.
I once ate hot wings for breakfast. It was weird at first, sure, but the protein and the spices really gave me the energy to get through my day. Hot wings go great with a cup of coffee. Unsurprisingly, I was not constipated for the following week.
25. The Kid Eating the Real Food
This is a picture of a genuine small child eating real food for the first time. The kid doesn’t seem to be enjoying it.
I don’t know what the kid was eating. If he was eating pizza, he probably would have had a different expression on his face. I understand the look if he was eating broccoli.
It is possible, perhaps, that his parent is just a terrible cook. You should have tasted my grandmother’s cooking—it is a small miracle that her children survived to adulthood.
26. The Lawyer and the Contract
In this particular case, a son had something to tell to his parent, who just happens to be a lawyer. This was the contract.
I wish I knew what the son had to tell his parent; it definitely wasn’t anything good. If your child wants you to sign a contract, there is a good chance that something terrible has happened. Based on the wording of the contract, the parent will definitely get mad.
27. The Mug and the Party
I don’t really know what to say to this woman. I suppose it is a good thing that she got sober for her child, who was apparently turning one on the day this picture was taken.
That said, she doesn’t seem to be enjoying her new life, which is not surprising, and she probably does miss her old life.
I have been to the birthday party of a child who was turning one. It was ridiculous. The kid had absolutely no idea what was going on and didn’t enjoy the experience at all, but the parents spent a small fortune on it. It was an enormous waste of money, and it was also a giant waste of my time. There were many, many video games I would have rather been playing. I could have used the money I spent on dumb gifts for video games.
28. The Washing of the Book
Babies and small children destroy your stuff; you need to know that going into parenthood.
If you value a particular object, you should probably lock it away in a safe until your child is at least thirteen. Kids have no respect for your personal property.
I do find it amusing that this kid is washing a book about “babyproofing” one’s marriage—as if that is even possible. Kids can, and very well might, ruin your marriage.
To be perfectly honest, I can’t imagine having a kid—because having a life partner is more important to me, and I can’t see having both a spouse and a child. I really would rather have the former. I honestly would prefer fun adventures with my wife than wiping dirty butts. Does that make me a bad person? I don’t know. It perhaps does make me a horrid person. However, I know who I am, and I am okay with that.
I have a friend who is a lovely woman, and she teaches young children. She is the nicest, sweetest person you will ever meet. She recently married, and she just doesn’t want kids. She is great with kids, but she doesn’t want to actually give birth to or raise one. I can respect that.
29. The Kid and the Corn Oil
This kid is convinced the corn oil is apple juice. She can’t have it, so she is ticked. In my experience, that pretty much sums up the “child raising” experience.
I don’t want to ever have to explain to another person that corn oil is not apple juice. That seems like an enormous waste of my time. I am irritated enough when I have to explain to my dog that cardboard is not technically food.
30. The Socks
If you are on the proverbial fence about having children, you should probably consider all of the crap you have to buy them.
I am not talking about the toys you will need to buy them when they are seven—although there is a good chance they will request video games, laptops, and tablets. That is an expensive problem!
More importantly, they will need clothing. I am not a parent, but I do know children grow quite quickly. They will need a lot of socks. I stopped growing years ago, and I still need to buy socks on a regular basis. I don’t even know where half of my socks are!
This parent bought a lot of socks. I am guessing this is over $100 worth of socks.
31. The Day When You Take Your Kid to Work
This is a photo of a parent who took their kid to work—and the mayhem that resulted from the parent’s choice to do so.
When I was growing up, fathers took their daughters to work one day a year. I have no idea why. It was something about making little girls aware they could do whatever they wanted; I was a little boy, so I didn’t much care about the tradition. I found it interesting that most of my female classmates were absent during our geography lessons, but I didn’t give much thought to it. I didn’t give much thought to anything when I was nine.
These days, apparently, there is a day when all people in the United States take their kids to work for reasons that I don’t remotely understand. Are kids unaware of the fact their parents have jobs?
It would be weird if I had a kid, though, and I had to participate in the “watch your parent work” day; I can’t imagine what the kid would learn from watching me work. That kid would just stare at me while I paced around and then typed stuff once in a while. I don’t think that kid would turn out particularly well.
32. The Pancake Soup
A parent, for some dumb reason, let a kid pour its own syrup. This was the result.
I would like to feel bad for this parent, but I don’t. Who lets a small kid pour its own syrup? People just astound me sometimes.
I have a few friends who have kids; I really feel bad for those little things, because their parents are fools. I wouldn’t be any better at raising a child, but at least I was smart enough not to have one.
I actually have neighbors who are bright, classy, wonderful people, though—they have a little girl. I wouldn’t be surprised if she turned out to be the president one day.
My friends’ kids will likely get arrested for robbing convenience stores multiple times before they turn 18 years old.
33. The iPad and the Toddler
The story here is that a toddler was trying to play with an iPad, but did not succeed in unlocking the thing, so the parent is sort of screwed.
Who leaves an iPad resting about if they have a toddler? I honestly can’t feel too bad for the parent. If you want nice things, you should not have children. You have to make choices in life, after all. If you want the cool gadgets, you need to ignore the biological urge to reproduce. That’s something you should probably do regardless—your genes probably aren’t that good.
Speaking of genes, I have a couple friends who recently had a kid. She has horrible vision problems, and severe heart disease runs in his family. Why did they have a child? That kid has no chance at a long and healthy life. They are also two of the more neurotic people I have ever met, and that’s coming from the most neurotic person on the planet. That kid is going to be a mess.
34. The Pants in the Toilet
Some parent decided it would be a good idea to ask a toddler to help with the laundry. This picture proves why it was a big mistake to do so.
I am no expert on the raising of children, but it seems to me that you shouldn’t ask your kid to help you do anything until he or she is about forty. At that point, you will be so old that you really won’t give much of a crap anymore if things go wrong.
35. The horse in the bedroom
We have all seen really weird things done by children, but this is one of the most weird ones. The real question is if this bedroom is on the second floor how are the parents going to get the horse downstairs?