There are just certain things that shouldn’t be done. They can be done, and they are done, but they shouldn’t be. For example, you shouldn’t put caviar on a hot dog. You could do it, and I support your right to do it, but it’s a dumb idea.
Caviar actually isn’t as expensive as I thought it was; I still wouldn’t eat it, but I thought it was extremely expensive. You can apparently get a jar from Iceland for under $6; of course, that’s Walmart caviar, so you have to wonder about the quality. I don’t think I’d eat caviar from Walmart. I’ll eat soup from Walmart—but caviar?
Not all caviar is cheap, though; for example, there is a tin available for purchase that costs $2,500. How much better, really, could that taste? That’s not even the most expensive caviar out there. You can buy a tin that costs over $17,000. You’ll also have to pay over $20 for shipping, so you probably want to factor that into your caviar budget.
You know what’s great on hot dogs? Pickled jalapeno peppers are fantastic if you like spicy food, which I do. Believe it or not, I hadn’t tried them on hot dogs until a couple weeks ago when I went to see a movie and bought a hot dog. The peppers had been sitting out for a while, clearly, so I got sick; I would try it again, though, using peppers from my house. Peppers and mustard belong on hot dogs; caviar does not.
Here are nine other examples of things that could be done, but should not be done.
1. The Duct Tape and the Car
There’s a lot you can do with duct tape. For example, the tape is apparently pretty good at getting rid of warts. It is a home remedy, and you have to keep the tape on for a while, but it apparently works to a certain extent.
I trust duct tape to hold a lot of things together, but I wouldn’t trust it to hold a car together. That seems like a risky move. If the bumper or some other part of the car in this picture falls off, there could be a very serious accident. If your vehicle is damaged, you should probably take it to a proper mechanic. I guess the duct tape will work for a short drive, but it still seems unwise. You don’t want to fool around when it comes to your vehicle.
I feel bad for the person who owns this car; those are going to be costly repairs.
2. The Woman Who Couldn’t Be Bothered
I guess the first question here is whether or not it is possible to purchase such a pair of pants; I would argue it is not, but then again I have seen weirder products for sale. Regardless of whether these were purchased as they are or made, they’re not a great look. This is not a thing that should have been done.
I don’t shave my legs, but I do understand how exhausting shaving can be. People who have made the choice to shave their legs have it good compared to guys like me. My facial hair situation is out of control. I end up looking like a homeless person if I go more than a couple of days without shaving. At least you can hide your legs with pants.
In general, my male family members are extremely hairy. Things could be worse for me, though. I don’t even have the words to describe my late uncle’s back. He took me out on his boat a few times, and he would take off his shirt to go swimming. I didn’t even know what I was looking at. My dog has less hair on his back than my uncle did. It was, in its own way, weirdly impressive.
My uncle would have never had it done, but I have considered laser hair removal. There’s a place in a shopping center near one of my favorite restaurants. Unfortunately, it isn’t cheap. One session—and you’ll likely need several—typically costs over $200.
If I ever won the lottery, the first thing I would splurge on is plastic surgery. I could easily spend $50,000. I’m not the best-looking guy in the world.
3. The Coffee Maker
I don’t even find this one remotely amusing. I do not want to meet the person who did this. I am guessing that no one on Earth wants to think about drinking a brown liquid that comes out of that guy. If there is such a person—one who does want to think about that—it is a person I do not want to know.
Keurig coffee makers are neat, though, and so is the company. I had no idea that Keurig was associated with Dr. Pepper, which is one of my favorite soft drinks. The acquisition happened earlier this year. A company that makes coffee makers acquiring a soft drink company kind of seems like a curious choice, but it seems to be going well enough. It was an expensive acquisition, though; the whole deal was worth more than $18 billion.
What is now called Keurig Dr. Pepper also produces other popular beverages, including Snapple and Mott’s apple juice.
4. The Girl With the Phone
This seems like a bad idea. This is a potentially tragic accident just waiting to happen. I don’t think it is a good idea to carry things around in your mouth when bicycling around town. Even the most experienced bicyclists fall from time to time. Things could get ugly if she falls.
I love my phone. I really do, but it really can be quite frustrating. During the summer months, when I go out I have nowhere safe to keep it other than in the pocket of my pants. It isn’t comfortable at all. Actually, it drives me kind of nuts. I often just leave it on the table or the bar. It is an old, slightly damaged phone, so I doubt anyone will try to steal it.
It is a little better in the winter; I can just keep it in the pocket of my coat. However, I then have to keep a close eye on my coat. You just can’t win sometimes. One might argue that—if I am that paranoid about losing my phone—I should just leave my phone at home when I go out for a meal. I can’t do that! How would I access my email when the dinner conversation gets boring?
5. The Perfect Boyfriend
For many people, I am sure that this young man seems like an ideal boyfriend. He’s clearly in touch with his emotions. He might be a little too in touch with his emotions.
His taste in television is also kind of curious. It was a very successful show, so I suppose I can’t be too critical of anyone who watches it. I have never seen an episode, but a lot of people clearly liked it.
I think “Nugget” is a stupid nickname, personally; then again, I’m sort of jealous because no one ever gave me a nickname. My dad apparently used to call me “tiger” when I was a baby, but it didn’t really stick. I have been called a lot of things—nothing that you would want to say at work or in front of your parents—but those were insults; they weren’t nicknames.
Why does this person cry all of the time? I would not want to date a person who cries a lot; I don’t think most women find that to be an attractive trait. There’s a difference between a person who expresses emotion and a person who clearly has a depression problem and should probably talk to a therapist. I feel bad for the guy, but he might want to address his issues before he starts a relationship.
6. The Toilet From Which You Can Drink
This may be the grossest thing I have ever seen. To a certain extent it makes sense, plumbing being what it is—but it is also disgusting. I would not drink from a water fountain attached to a toilet. I just couldn’t bring myself to do so; I can’t imagine what sort of dire situation would make me even consider it.
I can’t even stand throwing up in a toilet. I don’t even mind the act of throwing up—although it isn’t pleasant; what I hate is the fact I have to put my face so close to a toilet. Even if the toilet is very clean, you just know that someone’s butt was there not too long ago. I don’t even like throwing up in my own personal toilet. I know what I do in that thing, and it isn’t always pretty. In fact, it never is.
By the way, as you may have noticed, this toilet does not look particularly clean. It could definitely be a lot cleaner.
7. The Tattoo On the Face
If there was one piece of advice I could offer to the adults of tomorrow, it would be that face tattoos are an awful idea. No one will ever take you seriously. That may change in the future, but I really doubt it.
Frankly, most tattoos are a bad idea unless they can be hidden by a short-sleeved shirt or a pair of pants. I have a friend who has tattoos all up and down his arm and on his hands; they cost him a lot of money at the time. He now has trouble finding employment because of them, so they’re still costing him a lot of money.
A lot of tattoos are very impressive artistically; I think many of the artists have a ton of talent. However, in order to make your life as easy as possible, you should probably think twice before getting one in a place that is extremely visible. Finding a job is hard enough. Feel free to get as many tattoos as you want, though, if you just happen to be a tattoo artist. That’s the one job where having a ton of tattoos will definitely help you gain employment.
8. The Dressing and the Tattoo
As I pointed out, tattoos are often a bad idea.
If you are going to get a tattoo, you should get one that really means something. For example, if your mother or another close relative passes, a tattoo honoring them might be nice. As regular readers of my articles know, I frequently write profound things, so you might want to get a tattoo of something I’ve written so that my wisdom is always with you.
Getting a tattoo of salad dressing is just extremely weird, though, and this is coming from a guy who loves salad dressing. I used to literally drink it from the bottom of the bowl when I was a kid. My parents, decades later, still make fun of me for that. They make fun of me to the waitresses at the restaurants when we go out to eat and I ask for extra dressing.
My friend has the logo for a cigarette company on his arm, so I probably shouldn’t be too critical of the tattoo of the salad dressing. Ranch dressing isn’t good for you, but it is better for you than smoking.